i just dont understand

i dont understand why i cannot just have kids..why do i have to go through all the pain, and the hoops--why do i have to be the only person in my ENTIRE family who cant get pregnant..my twin just has to think about sex and she is pregnant, and my baby sister who is addicted to drugs can get pregnant with no problem..and here i have tried to live my life as good person and i cant have the one thing i want more than anything and that is to be a mommy!!! God why do i have to go through all this..i cannot take the heart ache any more.
Funny..all through high school i never wanted kids..then my 1st neice was born and it became something i wanted more than anything..and i was ok with waiting..i wanted to graduate college and be stable..now i am and everytime i get close it is taken from me..i am so upset right now i just want to crawl in a hole and NEVER come out...

time of reflection

i was playing around on blogger and came across http://prairieguy.wordpress.com/ reflections of a foster youth..he had posted a letter that made me cry and i want to post it..now he has not responded if i have permission so if he says something i will remove it ASAP but i wanted to keep it to help remind me (not that i need reminders (sic)) of what my teens on my case load are going through and the next time i get impatient with their demands and threats of awol that this is what is going through their minds all the time.You’re Nothing More Than a Foster Child!

Posted on June 13, 2008 by prairieguy
This was sent to me by a youth who has been in foster care for the past 7 years and will age out next March with no family or support network to go to. It breaks my heart that things I expereinced and thoughts I had over 40 years ago remain a constant in so many of the lives of youth in care today. Society should hang their heads in shame.
UPDATE: I have just received notice that the young man who sent me this is NOT the author of the article. I apologize to the author and wish to give her proper credit. The actual author is Catherine Daniels, a young woman who spent years in foster care. I am sorry I did not verify if the young man who sent this to me was in fact the author.

Imagine…
Being the last person to sit down to the table for dinner because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Watching the other children get new shoes/clothes/toys but you have to wait on a “check” because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Getting left behind while the rest of the house goes on vacation or visits a major theme park because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Not wanting to unpack your bags and put things away because you never know when you might be up and moved again because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Sleeping on the couch or porch, with storage bins and trash bags storing your belongings with no personal space to call your own because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

When you move you don’t have a suitcase as other children but rather garbage bags because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Not having surgery your doctor recommended because it needs to go through a board for approval before it can be done because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Getting a CD, book, and candy bar as christmas while the rest of the children got DVD players, Walkmans, bikes, etc because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Running away, crossing county, state or even country lines and having no one look for you or report you missing because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Having someone start to care about you, and start to form an attachment only to be up and moved simply because someone decided a different home would be better for you for God knows what reason because you aren’t the biological or adopted child… You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Having a school refuse to re-enroll you for the seventh time in ONE school year. You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Having doctors offices leave your address blank because it changes so many times. You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Not making friends because you never know when you’ll be up and moved.You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Refusing to take school pictures because you know you won’t be there at the end of the year. You’re nothing more than a foster child.

Hardening your heart to attachments because you know how quick they disappear. You’re nothing more than a foster child.

When one lives for years within the foster care system, experiences numerous moves and maybe even things worse than that because “You’re nothing more than a foster child”…
how can society expect one to form relationships and attachments or even trust others?
This is the life of one who is “Nothing more than a foster

operation muffin top(ple)

thanks to Greedygrace i decided to post to OMT...http://twolia.com/blogs/the-catherinette-chronicles/operation-muffin-topple/

It sounds fun so why not.

please pray

something is going on and nobody is answering my questions. i am really worried that it is not good.